There often comes a point in a relationship with an avoidant when it has to break. When you are anxiously attached, the avoidant is most likely the one who pulls away first. Not always because they didn’t love you, but because emotional intimacy is too scary for them.
And when you are securely attached, you will come to realize that you deserve more than this exhausting push-pull. Especially when you gave the avoidant space, were patient, grounded their dysregulation, understood their patterns, and they still didn’t change, there is no other option than to leave at some point.
It’s just not healthy for yourself to stay, and that becomes painfully clear after a while.
The pain of an avoidant
Avoidants are not evil people. They are just incapable of receiving (and giving) true love, even though they really want to. They learned at a young age that coming close to someone equals pain and rejection, and their nervous system is now protecting them from that.
But when they meet the right person, even an avoidant wants to feel that intimacy. They are just so stuck in their patterns that they even push the people they love the most away.
I know this because I was avoidant myself. The future pain of having to let go of someone you love is just so real that you don’t even want to reach that stage. Avoidants are incredibly afraid of rejection, and this shows in their everyday life.
Avoidants are extremely insecure
It might not look like it from the outside, but avoidants are incredibly insecure. They take everything personally and see every comment as an attack on them.
If you are securely attached and part of this dynamic, this is very exhausting. There is just no way to communicate your wants and needs to an avoidant because everything feels like a threat to them, and they pull away.
They lack a secure inner base because they never received it as children. That’s why they think everyone is against them, even their own partners.
This feels very debilitating for them because they want that closeness, but they just don’t know how to handle it.
When it’s time to break up
I am writing this article from the perspective of a secure person who is breaking up with an avoidant. After all, anxious and avoidant breakups are very different and often come from shared trauma.
But if you are securely attached and you love an avoidant, you will know how misunderstood you feel towards the end of your relationship. You did everything to truly hold space for them, were not demanding too much, were compassionate towards their triggers, gave them space when they asked for it, and often buried your own feelings just to make them feel safe.
You understood them and saw they were acting from past hurt. And this is what makes it so hard to actually let them go — they are not bad people; they are just not ready for a real partnership.
The pain of leaving an avoidant for your own good
The hardest part of breaking up with an avoidant is not losing them. It’s having to let go of their Soul, who was simply incapable of meeting your needs.
You saw through the mask; you saw through their pain, and you decided to stay. To keep giving them a chance. To keep believing that love would be enough.
Your compassion for them made you forget about the hurtful behavior. Your empathy for them made you look away when they were acting out of their trauma. You saw the potential in them and decided to stay. Time and time again.
Until it became too much for your own nervous system. It’s an act of bravery to leave an avoidant, especially because the relationship can feel very addictive at some point.
What happens after they lose you
The initial breakup probably feels relieving to the avoidant. Their nervous system can calm down, and they rationalize the decision. They tell themselves the relationship wasn’t right anyway. Most likely, they will blame you for not understanding them and asking for too much.
It will look like they move on quickly. They probably start dating other people fast. This is because they can’t sit with their own pain. That’s exactly what they’ve been avoiding all those years, so they will do the same this time.
But once the projection of their own wounding on you drops, they will start missing you. They are forced to face their own unmet needs. Your absence becomes painfully clear, especially when it doesn’t work out with the next person either.
When you were the right person for them
I strongly believe that an avoidant only heals when you are the right person for them. When you are not, they genuinely move on quickly (and you should too).
But when you are one of their soulmates, they will realize the connection wasn’t casual. You were their mirror, and now that you are gone, they have to face themselves.
This is very hard for them because avoidants already carry a lot of inner shame. Realizing that they lost you will only intensify the shame of not being good enough.
There is a battle going on between their ego and their heart. Their ego says they are better off without you, but their heart signals that it was true love.
Self-awareness for an avoidant
This is the crucial part in their healing journey. They need to become self-aware first. They need to see what their actions did to make you leave. They have to put away their pride and shame to actually look within.
And this is where everything gets real. Because looking within is incredibly hard. It asks them to go back to their childhood, to come face to face with their rejection wounds.
And then they need to accept how many people they’ve hurt along the way with their avoidance. This is another smash against their already so fragile ego.
But this is also where the salvation lies. Once the ego surrenders, they can start holding their inner child and give themselves the love they always craved so much.
The power of soul contracts
Some people come into each other’s paths not to stay, but to break you. It’s in the cracks where the light can finally come in. A person who is right for the avoidant opens that crack.
It has nothing to do with forever love and everything to do with soul contracts. Both of your souls decided to have that impact on each other before coming to Earth.
Even an avoidant is destined to wake up sometimes. The relationship with you initiated that. Catalytic connections like these are for growth, not for comfort.
Carl Jung calls this integrating the rejected parts of yourself, and you can achieve that with shadow work.
It’s not your job to heal them
I know how hard this truth is because I have lived it as well. You see that they are changing, you see they are trying… but it’s still not enough.
And sometimes you need to break away from them to give them a chance to heal themselves. To truly face the abandonment and rejection they fear so much.
An avoidant who is ready to heal will go inwards. An avoidant who is not, will just become more avoidant. Either way, it’s not your job to guide them in that.
Sometimes staying does more damage than leaving… for both of you. Let that sink in.
Will they come back?
Missing you is not the same as being capable of loving you safely. Many avoidants will feel the urge to come back at some point, but a true comeback requires an ego-death.
Without conscious inner work, the pattern will just repeat itself. Don’t open the door for them right away when they come back. Even when they are aware of their problems, this still doesn’t mean they actively worked on them.
Love alone is not enough. Don’t confuse a magnetic attraction with true compatibility. Do your own work as well while being separated. My shadow journal can give you deep insights into your patterns and what secure relationships should look like.
Did they love you?
Sometimes losing you is the only way they can finally meet themselves. And sometimes, your decision to leave is simply to protect yourself.
Whether they come back or not doesn’t define whether they loved you or not. Their avoidance doesn’t automatically mean they were not trying to let love in.
But their attempts to make it work don’t obligate you to keep waiting. True partnership requires emotional regulation, self-awareness, openness, accountability, and a safe space for your nervous system.
If those things are not present, you will be better off without them. You deserve a love that feels safe and grounded, and where you don’t have to constantly prove yourself to them.
When an avoidant heals
I used to be fearful-avoidant, and I healed my patterns. It truly is possible. It was an inner journey that took five years to complete (and I am still learning), but it is so worth it. If you are also avoidant and feel like you’re always to blame, know there is a way out.
It requires deep self-awareness and sitting with your own discomfort. But once you start the journey, things will become easier. You will see that it was never your fault to be like this; it was just a coping mechanism to protect yourself.
You are not a bad person for being avoidant; it’s just a part of you that got hurt when you were young. The book No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz can help you see that being avoidant is not your entire personality, but it is a part that requires compassion.
We all have a Higher Self that is initially beautiful. Find it, nourish it, and allow love to be a safe space.
My Anxious & Avoidant Shadow Work Journal is a great first step to becoming aware of your own attachment issues, so you can start healing.
It is available as a digital download or as a print journal, in case you are interested in learning about yourself through shadow work.
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I'm a prior anxious attachment who did, and is doing, her work. I broke off the relationship with an avoidant. The signs we are soul mates are apparent. I pray he can do his work, because I love him, and meanwhile I'm moving on with my life.